I have been really sick this year. I don’t know when it started to really dawn on me… perhaps it was last week when reflecting that early in this school year, I have already had to take seven days off just to get better. Perhaps it was weeks ago as I stood there in the doctor’s office getting a chest x-ray… or the CT scan… or the pulmonologist visit. I stood there with all the possibilities swirling in my head… weighing down my chest… and flying through my brain… and it dawned on me… after my friend pointed it out mind you… that I have been fighting this since late January… whatever THIS is.
I have talked with a few women who have gone through a similar trauma. Sex addiction and the discovery and subsequent trauma are very difficult on your body. It is very difficult on your mind. It is very trying in your very soul. At first… I walked forward on adrenaline alone. I made it through the first two years on fight or flight chemicals coursing through my body. I could handle anything. I could probably have lifted a truck off of the ground if the need had arisen.
I just couldn’t feel anything.
My body shut down feelings in order to protect itself from all the pain that was happening on a daily basis. I couldn’t feel joy or pain. I couldn’t remember things, and I couldn’t think past the present… even memories took a back seat. All I could do was function on a daily basis in order to handle the many changes and continued disclosures… the trial and the facing of reality. I had to teach and eat and sleep and clean and pay bills and… basically… I functioned but didn’t live.
After that… my body slowly turned back on my heart.
And WOW! That was painful.
To process trauma… to walk through the ugly sinful mess without the numb and without the fight or flight chemicals was painful.
I remember the tears that would come some nights. I remember the pain in my chest… the feeling that crying hurt but not enough. It felt like nothing could ever hurt me enough to make the pain go away… to release it from my body. I would cry so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath yet I couldn’t stop.
I remember and it makes me cry even now.
Then came a period of calm strength. I remember having my first day where I felt a little normal again. It scared the living daylights out of me. I almost clung to the pain… the sorrow… those felt so normal now. I recall having a weekend that was full of ordinary happiness again. Then I experienced a full week of pleasure and simple happiness at work and home… hese were in contrast to the long weeks of crying and grieving that was also taking place. This yo-yo of emotions was difficult… but I was physically still pretty strong. Only grief could make me weak. I would teach and mother and clean and cook and then… in silence whenever I was alone… I would collapse and cry and fall apart… sometimes for the space of the ten minute ride alone in the car to pick someone up… sometimes for the space of a weekend as I was alone and the girls were at friends’ houses.
Now… this past year… I have seen more days where I don’t have to grieve at that intense pace. I am more steady and more balanced. The hard work in counseling and my beautiful friends have brought me forward to a greater place of emotional freedom… but my body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. My soul is exhausted.
The women I have talked to have all gone through a similar time. Their bodies began having allergies or sinus trouble or heart trouble or some strange trouble. It was difficult to diagnose and difficult to treat. It took months of healing and walking forward before they began to resolve the issue.
Ugh! I am there.
I am so tired at night that I often go to bed right after dinner and occasionally… before dinner.
I spoke with a friend tonight, and she reminded me that we are integrated beings… spiritually and emotionally and physically. I am finding a voice and grieving and working through this trauma… I have to be mindful that the enemy doesn’t want me to have a voice… nor healing. I have to seek physical remedies and spiritual remedies. I need prayer and medicine… exercise and meditation… supplements and support in community.
Trauma and discovery and trials and grief and family struggles have all taken a toll here in this life…
I need to concentrate more and more on staying grounded in God’s word… staying grounded in His good earth and in relationships that feed my soul. My first response to all of the sickness is that I am too much. I should just handle this alone and pretend to everyone around me that I am finally well… it has been over four years! Surely I should be finished. But in truth… I feel like I am just getting started with healing some days. I feel as if I may never know what a healthy, loving relationship is like, and I may never feel truly “good” again.
God come and give me your view… take mine and take it far from me. I desire to see through your eyes and not mine. I desire to follow your ways and not my own. I know I screw up regularly… I know I am a mess and completely botch just about everything you give me… but still… F..I am coming to you again to seek forgiveness and healing… because I cannot do anything without Your Holy Spirit to guide me and Your love to reach me here in this darkness.
Originally posted on mybeautifullybrokenlife.com and used here with permission.
I am a child of God, a mom, a teacher, a daughter, and a woman finding her voice. My stories come from my heart. My life has been difficult in places and really beautiful in others. I am trying to figure out how to put myself back together after everything fell apart a few years ago. I am glad for the storm. I am learning that I am strong. I am learning that community and living together with open hearts can be freeing and lovely. You can find me at mybeautifullybrokenlife.com.
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