For most of us experiencing marital betrayal, our tears have become part of our everyday life. Often, the tears come for what seems to be no reason at all. Other times, it could be seeing a photo, driving by a place, remembering something said or done…
Learning new information about your spouse, from stumbling upon his newest porn thrill, to seeing things on his phone or computer, to discovering he was somewhere with the other woman...will usually bring an overpowering sense of fear, followed by anger. And then the emotional crying begins. Trauma responses always follow new information.
And then, on a deeper level, grief brings more tears. This is the worst! Grief driven tears rise from the culmination of everything that's happened. Our tragedy is so great overall, that we oftentimes completely break down from realizing the extent of the betrayal and the losses stemming from it. This reoccurring, internalized shock can take us out emotionally, and the crying taking place literally feels as if it could be fatal!
How do we manage all the crying, when crying seems to be the "norm" and is par for the betrayal course?
WE MUST HONOR OUR EMOTIONS, BUT WE CANNOT FEED THEM!
As you know, any crying can wear us down, leaving us feeling depleted. The wrenching tears of grief can leave us out of commission for a while. Depending on the severity and length of time in releasing them, your body can feel like it was hit by a truck. Sometimes it can take a couple days of recovery to function normally again.
Recognizing your own emotional patterns, will help you understand if you need to allow the tears to flow, or if you need to take control of your emotions rather than letting them control you. I went through a season of serving my emotions, and that did not serve me well!
God is so tender, patient, and loving with us! I remember how often He comforted me--sometimes I literally felt Him like a warm blanket hushing my heart to peacefulness. Other times, He let me know that there was too much drama with the trauma. He lovingly taught me, that when my emotions were building like waters ready to flood over a dam, that He could help me release the emotional pressure.
When my emotions would start to rise, and threatened to overwhelm, instead of diving in and swimming in my tears, I learned in those moments to have God hold my tears for me. I knew I could cling to His promises. His strength would rise up in me as His word confirmed His promised attention to what brought me pain.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
We must have scripture ready for these times! We must have sisters praying for us. I had some dear sisters in place so I could just shoot them a text saying, "I'm going down"! They knew what that meant - and they would pray for me.
God began to save me from myself, but only with my intentional efforts toward health and stability, and away from what gradually had become my new normal.
1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
YOU WILL CRY because of what you've been through and what you're going through, but it should be for a season. If your crisis is prolonged, it’s not uncommon to cry for many seasons. However if your emotional crying is prolonged, worsening over time, ask the Lord to help you bring the season to a close.
To Everything There is a Season
…A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.…
Remember, He is the God of all Comfort and the Great Healer.
Laura serves as the Executive Director on the board of HER. She is passionate about helping betrayed women who struggle emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and financially. She has been leading weekly marital betrayal support groups for several years. Currently, Laura connects with leaders, writers, and counselors, to unite the efforts of those who share a burden for betrayed women.
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